in the same dapple of sunlight caught

it's hot
and the spandex sticks like malt
to your body;
sweat mixed with the bright-cheery scent of suntan lotion
and red towels and blue chlorine.

but i do it still.
Because when the water touches me
and i let the cold seep in,
it feels like sloughing off an old skin
and i find that beneath, it's quiet
and numb.

the catches of sun
look different through the shimmer

if i stay long enough
below, it starts to hurt;
masking a familiar ache
and (in between the days)
i escape gravity once more.

-------

i have this crazy urge to chop off my hair again. to let it be  a feather-light dusting around my ears. to feel the emptiness below.

and i lack sleep! why does that mother of mine wake me up at eight when i need more sleep! :(